Count down madness!!!

There are exactly 10 days until I'm scheduled to start Maddy's first fall semester of organized home schooling. Needless to say it's a little chaotic in my brain right now. I have 20 weeks of themes and all the plans for it going through my head. I'm actually doing great on organizing it all into a pretty good system. I wanted to get the weekly themes done through the end of the year so I can ease into this routine without stressing about the week to come during the week we are in. Am I making any sense? I feel like I'm talking in circles, lol. Part of my planning is to blog weekly, or more often, about what Maddy is learning. I'm excited, nervous, stressed and freaking out all in the same moment over the responsibility. Praying helps, and so does diving in and seeing tangible accomplishments. Looking forward to starting this journey and watching my little mooshoo learn more.

A phonics matching game & our new activity/pocket chart

The first thing I've will share is a phonics matching game that I've been working on for a month or so... I printed all the pics, colored them, pasted on construction paper and then laminated. My niece Shelby helped by making matching alphabet cards for sorting. They are just double sided note cards with scrap booking letters glued on.

The other thing we're excited to start using is our new activity/pocket chart. My fantastic step dad, Dean, who is a school teacher had this laying around collecting dust- so he graciously gave it to us. I have already made sentences for learning Maddy's full name, phone number and home address. She will love working on these things with our new chart.

I can't wait to show photos of us using these in action cause we plan to use them A LOT!

Catch up and creating stuff

Has it really been over a month since my last post? Well, in my defense May is a crazy month for us, several birthday's, mothers day, and a holiday weekend. Can you blame a girl for being absent minded? But I haven't been slacking off, I've been creating several new learning toys and getting school stuff together and home organizational stuff. This summer is set to be a lot of fun- Maddy is very active in dance class and gymnastics class. We are finishing up her first year of soccer (possibly her last, haha). So here's some stuff I've been working on:
- Home chores/ homeschool prep chart
- Popsicle stick counting
- Phonics matching
- Bead counting in ice cube trays
- Our daily board and Calendar
- Our library area
- New to us pocket activity chart

I will follow up in individual posts for these things so it's not overload.

Basically, we're still alive and thriving, God is so good and we are beyond blessed in our happiness.

sometimes it's the grain of sand keepin you down.

I can't even remember what story I'm referencing, only the basic fact that sometimes it isn't the journey that is difficult, but the grain of sand in your shoe. This has been on my mind today. A Lot. I'm slowly freaking out about all the things I don't know and haven't started yet for our home school journey. The options for curriculum is overwhelming- and I, of course, don't want to make the wrong choice. Then there's all the money that is involved. It is so expensive. Luckily, I spend a lot of time finding great ideas on the internet and ways to make them super cheap. But still- as we get deeper in this process it's gonna get real pricey. I have complete faith that God will provide in these areas, He has already called me to educate Maddy, He is currently equipping me, and surely He will provide in all areas.
So the grain of sand is a lack of support. I feel like I'm on this journey all alone. But God will sustain. He will restore my weariness and renew my spirit. If I just remember that my source of satisfaction is in Him then I'm still on track- and I'm not alone after all.

40 days of Lent.... What I'm up to...

So although I'm not catholic I was given the opportunity to look at lent outside of catholicism last year. I decided that lent in fact does not just have to be for catholics, or really just for this one set time frame. If at anytime I feel that something is distracting me from God's presence in my life, or an area that He has placed a greater need for on my heart- I in fact can observe the act of lent at anytime. This being said- for now I'm doing it at the same time as others. Last year was my first and I just went all in- I chose an area that I knew I would be able to feel the impact daily. music. Oh how I love music. I was pretty good at mixing up genres regularly but I definitely liked secular stuff a lot. So that's what I gave up- secular music for 40 days. I only listened to christian or classical (during those nice hot baths). I thought it would be hard, I was SO wrong. It was amazing. so amazing. By allowing a huge area that I enjoyed to be solely focused on praising God and remembering His goodness I found myself seeking music more and more. I discovered new artists, new songs and new depths of worship. I watched less tv and sung more. I sought meanings to music, and the scripture it originated from. I sought to experience God more- and I DID! Now that it's been a year I can't believe how much time I used to spend listening to secular music. The topics I'd let fill my mind or the lyrics I'd repeat without even thinking about them. Not that I'm condemning all secular music- I still listen to it and still have a lot of favorites. But I pay closer attention to the subject and lyrics, also to how the music makes me feel, what emotions it evokes and where it leads me. Angry music in fact fuels my anger, attitude songs tend to give me an attitude, love songs make me think of my husband... and so on. I'm also very aware of what my daughter listens to and now assert more control over what she's exposed to. I explain lyrics to her and why we sing praise to God. I still seek Him- and He still shows up every single time.
Given how much last years choice affected me I have put a lot of thought into what I want to "give up" this year. I'm in a different place in my life than last year. At this time last year I was working 5 days a week and had so much time in the car so music was something I had plenty of time to feel the change from. With that in mind, and my walk intensifying as it is I've decided to give up something that is a precious gift taken for granted daily. My time.
What do I mean? I mean that I'm giving God more of my time. This is happening in a few ways. Because I seek a deeper walk with Him and I'm so hungry for more of His truth and how to apply it to my life I've decided to commit to a few things.
1. Finishing the book I'm currently reading- The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace. I am 3/4 through and it is rocking my views of being a godly wife. I've also recently found a study guide for it and I'm going to go back and work through it.
2. Read the 2 new books I just recently purchased (yes I'm addicted to half price books).
   - The Strategy of Satan by Warren W. Wiersbe. This caught my eye on the shelf as I have observed satan attacking a few people I know of and have felt him in my own before.
   - Husbands Who Won't Lead and Wives that Won't Follow- by James Walker. This one is a little hard for me to admit that I'm reading. But this is the reality of where we are at right now. I'm earnestly seeking ways to improve my role as a wife. To allow God to make me the best help mate that my husband could have. In seeking this I must acknowledge that surely there are area's that I'm struggling in.
3. Watching 3 series from Keystone Church before we started attending. Right now I'm downloading the following series : Taste and See- 2 videos (learning to experience the Bible as the LIVING word of God).
Seven Churches- 6 videos (unlocking the church according to the Bible). Jesus Loves- 6 videos (how God loves even the worst of us and me at my worst). This is actually just the start- I have several other series I'd like to view, including: High Fidelity (on marriage), This Preacher Likes to Dance (on how to have the abundant life God sent to us through your church) and Loosing My Religion (all about how church has become a dead place and how to fight against it). Ok those are my summaries... if you'd like to look into any of these or follow them with me check out www.keystonechurch.com.
4. Keep a prayer journal and a "He speaks to me" journal. So the prayer journal is pretty self explanatory- I'm not planning on writing out my prayers- just the things, people, situations, etc. that I'm praying for and any movement I see in those areas. The "He speaks to me" journal is for recording areas that I need to remember daily that He spoke to me. Jesus Christ is everywhere in my life right now- I feel Him overflowing out of my heart and I'm working on becoming more aware of all He does around me, for me, inside of me.

So there's the plan. All written out it may seem like a lot- but luckily- God's given me a lot of time. Being a stay at home mom is such a blessing. Since my daughter goes to bed @ 9 and I'm up til 12ish that gives me plenty of time to embrace this commitment. I'm so excited to see who I am on the other side of these next 40 days. Praise be to the Holy Father for working in my life and inspiring me to seek Him more. He has placed such a hunger inside of me and I'm truly praying it is never satiated. This hunger fuels me- and each step I take closer to Him feels like leaps and bounds from the person I used to be. He is truly creating in me a new being and it's wonderful. Won't you please pray for me during this time. Thanks :o)

Some Thursday Activities

Maddy finally got to sit down and work on some of the new lessons I've been planning (for the last 3 months or so). She really enjoyed them and even wanted to do more, more, more. I'm still not sticking to a schedule yet, not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. We sit down and work when the feel is right and distractions are low. I'm hoping to transition into a more regular routine over the summer so we can start fall like regular school half day PreK. Right now my biggest obstacle is printing. It is just too expensive to print everything at home. I have the use of a black and white printer from several places but no color yet. Looking into options for this. I don't think Staples and the sort offer those services, just copying. So for now I'm printing at home sparingly and buying materials that can be stored in sheet protectors for multiple uses.

Anyway- here's some of what we worked on today.

Counting 1-5 and identifying the corresponding number.

 

Next we worked on 6-10

 this sheet is laminated so we can use all kinds of different things to count the spaces. Today we used foam shapes.

Then we worked on matching 

And some maze work

more matching and we did opposites too (forgot to take a pic).

and learning how to write # 1 and 2.

We also worked on her writing her name better. She can write each letter now we are refining it to smaller scale and in the appropriate size. She has trouble with her spacing on the page so that it can all fit left to right. This will come with time and is not something I'm worried about.

Well that was part of our Thursday, hope your's was great!!

And then came Sunday

If elated would best describe my feelings writing that last post, then..... defeated, would probably sum up my feelings writing this one. As my luck goes, and time has proven this to be true, wouldn't you know it but on Sunday I started spotting. and cramping. I immediately put myself on bed rest, stopping on the way home from church only for another pregnancy test. It was so barely positive that anyone less experienced at reading those things would have thought it was negative for sure. I panicked, I cried, I plead and I prayed. Then I hung around in bed with a dear friend and ate (shared) 2 different types of ice cream sundaes, playing the what if game and trying to find rest in the Lord. I stopped bleeding late that night and finally fell asleep after midnight.
Then I awoke at 4:32 am (yea, it's a time you don't forget..) to find very large amounts of blood and clots signaling, undoubtedly, the start of (another) miscarriage. Que massive amounts of tears. After seeing my doc that Monday and getting blood work results it was confirmed (as if a woman doesn't know her own body right?) to be a miscarriage. So where do I go from there?

Well, I had 2 choices, as you generally do in life, in every circumstance, draw near to God, or push Him away. I've done enough of the latter in my life to know that it is never the wise choice and that inevitably I'm going to come to my senses and crawl back to my Savior. However, knowing the correct choice and skipping along happily to it, are two very different things. Just because I know that the best medicine for a broken heart is the Healer doesn't mean I'm happy to request His services. Yes, I'm admitting it, I'm still broken (SHOCKER!). I spent alot of time reliving the prior 11 days, remembering the emotions and all the joy we felt in telling people. (as my luck would also have it, we had bodly announced the pregnancy to our entire world, a.k.a. facebook, the day before.)  So now we had to do this complete about face and turn joy into sadness and heart swell into heartache.... or did we? Here's where "walk by faith" and "count it all joy" can get tricky.
In my miscarriage, God was no less powerful, no less able to complete a good work or off schedule. He still was my Most High, my mighty fortress and the on time God He has always been. I just didn't realize His work, being done through this pregnancy, would be so short. In truth, the 10 days we were able to relish being pregnant were a mighty gift in themself. God did not have to bless us with those precious days. He did not have to plant a small life in my womb and let me experience that love again. God didn't, doesn't, will never, owe me a single thing. He gave me the only gift I ever needed on Calvary. So, with that being remembered, we have taken the lighter path of drawing closer to Him.
I recently posted about my new gift (again from HIM that I did NOT deserve) of being able to abide in Him in the waiting to get pregnant. I am still able to abide in Him, the scenery is just different. I'm no less abiding in Him through a miscarriage as I was in the wait. I am firmly planted at the seat of His throne taking in the healing that only comes from being near the Healer. The very presence of Him in my heart and soul has been quietly calming my fear, doubt, anger and anguish since the moment this sweet pregnancy began to end.
And again, He left me with another gift, He's so amazing to continuously do this, I have the joy in anticipating the next pregnancy He will bless me with, and knowing that He already has that life planned out. I do not question IF I will get pregnant again, I only look forward to WHEN. I'm so thankful to have received such nourishing support from so many sweet people in our lives. God truly sent words through so many friends and family that He knew we would need to hear. This is a process, and we are fully aware that it takes time. Just last night while settling into bed I quietly whispered to my husband, "I just can't believe I'm really not pregnant anymore", and he just sweetly said, "I know, me either". I'm going to struggle at times to want a reason, God knows the reason and that's enough for me, and to wish that things went differently, who wouldn't want a life to still be growing inside of them? But I'm not battling God for my life, it's HIS and HIS alone.

Cause that's how God works...

I can't believe how awesome God's timing is, how perfect and mysterious. I recently wrote about the 1year anniversary from our ectopic pregnancy loss. I can recall the peace I had writing about the waiting being part of the journey and how thankful I am for my new found ability to truly abide in Him. And then less than a week later I find out... I'm pregnant. That's right, you read it correctly.. p.r.e.g.n.a.n.t!!!!!!!!! Not only was I already pregnant while writing that post, I was also already pregnant when I wrote my desire to be, on a card at church and turned it in as my 1 thing I wanted to give to God in 2011. Seriously... HE BLOWS MY MIND! His precious timing is crazy. The way the circumstances encircled this pregnancy can only confirm that God has a plan WAY better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves. That His timing is for a purpose and that He hears us even when He doesn't answer us immediately. Our ectopic loss last year was all in preparation for this pregnancy today.

Given our loss in the past we are still a little guarded in this pregnancy. I am certainly not holding it at arms length, in fact, just the opposite. I am clinging to the truth that God knows this child's life already and has a plan for it as much as for the rest of us. I believe in His ability to start and complete anything. He is more than able to turn my previous pain into a fantastic fresh start, it's in Him and Him alone that I am placing my faith and trust.

I did go see a new OB yesterday. Due to previous situations I do not care to return to my last OB/GYN so when I began the search for a new one, I decided to just try the one that works with midwives in the area, considering we are seriously looking into using a midwife anyways. (more on that another time) While at the OB I had a sonogram and routine blood work. I go back Monday for repeat blood work just to compare the HCG levels. Since I've had a previous ectopic I am now at a high risk for another ectopic so I get watched closely until its determined I'm not ectopic. Sounds FUN huh? The sono didn't show anything in my uterus except for alot of thickening. I am too early to let that be a bad thing, at this point there's a 50/50 chance to see anything. However, my ovaries looked good and there was no sign of a cyst on either one this time, which is a good sign since that's what blocked my pregnancy last time making it become ectopic. (thank you pcos)

So with that little bit of good news we left and are in a holding pattern until labs come back. Depending on the #'s the doc will set our next appointment and sono. If they are low enough to make not seeing anything ok then all is well, if they were high enough that I should have been showing by now then we will have to consider bad things. I for one, having knowledge of my cycle, ovulation pattern and sex life, believe I am earlier than what my LMP says and that all is well. I have been having definite signs of pregnancy (frequent urination, tender breasts, major heartburn, good center cramping and side twinges, and a few other good signs.) Not to mention the 3 consecutive hpt's that show progressive darker positives over 8 days. Yes I am that person that needs several positive tests.

So after all that info let's get to the exciting, fun pregnancy stuff... baby planning!! Given my LMP my tentative due date is Sept 20-21st. That kinda stinks because it's right in the heat of Texas' worst and means I'll be biggest during our 100+ degree days... but I'll take it. We have, long before positive test, decided that we are going to find out the sex of the baby but not share the name until birth. We know that we (ok mostly me) are just too curious and would fail at not finding out the sex, so what's the point. But I do like having the private name for 9 months and then surprise it's  ____ _____ ! Ok so only the first name is going to be a secret- the 2 middle names will be known and obviously the last name. duh. We are already day dreaming about having a newborn in our new apartment (which will accommodate nicely) and remembering the joys of it all. Maddy is absolutely thrilled to be a big sister.. although it took a lot of convincing to get her to understand that it doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl she's a big sister either way. She really didn't wanna be a brother-- TOO CUTE.

We have been thankful to get great support from most of the people in our lives. Those that aren't there yet just don't understand that we have complete faith in God and His plan for our life, even if it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Yes, more money would always pay bills better, but God hasn't stopped providing once. True, if I weighed less I might have an easier pregnancy, but I weigh what I weigh and that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to bear a child. Of course more space to live in would give everyone more room, but only in America do we think we need hundreds of square feet for each person, especially when we almost always end up within arms length from one another. Clearly 2 cars would make things easier on us, but we are blessed with 1 reliable vehicle and a flexible schedule that allows for better planning-- not to say someone isn't welcome to drop off a car at our apartment,lol. These are all valid excuses to not have another baby right now. But they aren't reasons for us and shouldn't keep other people from being excited for us. Who isn't thankful for a new life being born into a God fearing, Christ centered house with 2 parents, married and of opposite sex? *dismounting soapbox.

So this is our news, this is God's story for our life right now, and we are shouting Yes Lord!! Whatever may come- we declare this moment- a joy for this unborn baby.

An old blog from my myspace account that I stumbled upon tonight.

Well~ it's official my daughter is now 1 year old and it just doesn't seem possible. We went to our churches first thanksgiving last night and they were passing the mike around for people to give praise or thanks for something. I really wanted to speak because I have so much to be thankful for but I knew I'd get emotional and embarrassed- I'm just not comfortable enough I guess. But that doesn't mean I don't want to give my thanks, so here I go....

     This time last year we had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl from the Lord. However, with her came a mighty challenge for all who were to love her. I remember so clearly the confusion that swirled in my head as I held my gift and thought " but God, she isn't complete". I could not see past the obvious flaw to see what a true gift the Lord had given my family~ the chance to reevaluate what's important and to learn true beauty is on the inside. It is almost like being right back in the moment just thinking about it. We felt this huge mountain in front of us and our healthy child was on the other side just waiting for our open arms. While Marc was trying to be my strength and stay positive, I was secretly hating myself for now twice being unsuccessful in bearing a child. Although we still had her I was too focused on the defect instead of the perfect. I would hold her in our special moments and question if others would ever love her the way she is, or if the world would be so cruel as I feared. Thanksgiving last year was a hard one for me to swallow~ though I should have- I felt no joy in the event.

    Day by day as we started her treatment I slowly slipped further into my self hate for what I had done to her~ no one could convince me it wasn't my fault. It's funny how "the Lord's will" can be the last thing you want to hear. But it was. Every time I had to hold her down to put her appliance in and tape her sweet lips together was, in my eyes, a punishment that I deserved. Sure I smiled and nodded in agreement when anyone would try to cheer me up or keep positive but I knew I deserved everything I was getting. I never let Marc do any of the treatment stuff- that wasn't his fault- I hogged all the shame.

When it came time for her surgery...I walked in a daze of fear. Although I was putting her into God's hands- I secretly clung to her, wanting to be in control over everything. As Marc pushed me down the hall to hand off our sweet child I wept for her safety. Once she was safely in the nurse's arms, fast asleep mind you, I collapsed- I literally could not breath without her. I've never felt such physical pain so deep in my heart, I had no idea what to do. As the hours ticked away miserably slow- I crept in to the hall and into my thoughts. "Please Lord, watch over her and let her come out safely" as my family chatted away at everyday things to pass the time- I buried into prayer- it was all I had at this point. ...... When the dr. came out and said everything went well- some weight was lifted and I slowly felt myself breath. The moment I was able to see her was excruciating...she was bloody and swollen, she did not look like my sweet Madalyn Grace. I again felt the floor drop from under me as I told the nurse "this is not my child- what did they do??" Once they placed her into my arms I was whole again- I found myself thinking.."How many parents get to hold their child and fall in love with their face twice!" She was beautiful!

The next few weeks were hard....but not as hard as I had prepared for...I slowly was letting go of my hold on things and giving them up to God. I guess I really was just realizing that He had had everything under control to begin with. The days turned into weeks and they turned into months and she was released from medical supervision healthy and on her way to a full recovery. Her scar will be fully healed in March, but my scar was fully healed long ago.

I had to let go of my selfish thoughts and desired and realize that it's true- The Lord's will is always a better path- not easier but better. And so this year I get to fully enjoy my thanksgiving- Knowing I have last year to make up for. Although we have another surgery early next year- I am ready for whatever the Lord brings my way. I have thrown out my doubts and fear- now I finally get what has been there all along- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Time does NOT heal all wounds

I might as well begin this post by admitting that I am guilty of using the "time heals all wounds" cliche a time or two in my life. My only excuse is that perhaps, for sure, I must not have had any wound that was of a serious nature. Now with this stage of my life, and all the experiences I've had, I can 100% say without any doubt that time in fact does NOT heal all wounds. Before you think I sound awfully Debbie downer let me finish. I was not shocked and in despair to have the epiphany that time isn't capable of such wonderful healing. Perhaps I would have been if that was all I had realized, or if I had realized it because of a long suffering hurt I'd been inflicted with. But neither of those are true. I came to the realization that time isn't the giver of relief or healing because I experienced true, complete, rejoicing in the glory, healing that came from giving my hurt and pain to the Lord.
No, it's not easy, and yes, there are moments of weakness that I rip control from Him and selfishly hold onto it for a while. Then I usually* wise up and gladly give back the reigns and go back to the peace that comes from knowing He has it all under control.

So why am I writing about wounds you may ask?? Well few knew, but yesterday was in fact the 1 yr anniversary from my ectopic pregnancy loss. On one hand I can't believe that its been a year. It felt like time had stopped when I came home from the hospital no longer pregnant, dreams shattered, scars left physically and emotionally. But on the other it was a relief knowing that time continued and I had been able to pick myself up and carry on knowing that God had whispered His love and perfect timing into my soul and I was able to not drown in the tears I felt consumed by last year.

This doesn't mean I don't see babies the age ours should would have been and feel like I've been punched in the gut. Or when I see a pregnant woman I envy them, or in my ugliest moments- don't want to be around them. (what's the point in being personal if I'm not being completely honest too, right?)

I'm not saying yesterday wasn't a painful reminder of somewhere I've been. But it was a chance to note where I'm at and to realize that they are not the same. Can I just say, hello freedom! If I'm going to talk about how far I've come then I can only turn it into how far He's brought me. The truth is I may not have a baby, ok obviously I don't or I wouldn't be writing this, but God did not leave me empty handed. I have been given peace, faith, support, love, desire for His will over mine (even when mine seems* a lot less painful) and the satisfaction that it is ok to want something but not receive it and that my devotion to Him is in no way dependent upon His fulfillment of my wants. I have found a sweet, precious desire to tell my soul to wait, and to know that the wait is already a part of my journey to having another child. In this loss I was given the ability to abide in Him and although I LOVE being a mother, if all I ever have is that- I'm set.