An old blog from my myspace account that I stumbled upon tonight.

Well~ it's official my daughter is now 1 year old and it just doesn't seem possible. We went to our churches first thanksgiving last night and they were passing the mike around for people to give praise or thanks for something. I really wanted to speak because I have so much to be thankful for but I knew I'd get emotional and embarrassed- I'm just not comfortable enough I guess. But that doesn't mean I don't want to give my thanks, so here I go....

     This time last year we had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl from the Lord. However, with her came a mighty challenge for all who were to love her. I remember so clearly the confusion that swirled in my head as I held my gift and thought " but God, she isn't complete". I could not see past the obvious flaw to see what a true gift the Lord had given my family~ the chance to reevaluate what's important and to learn true beauty is on the inside. It is almost like being right back in the moment just thinking about it. We felt this huge mountain in front of us and our healthy child was on the other side just waiting for our open arms. While Marc was trying to be my strength and stay positive, I was secretly hating myself for now twice being unsuccessful in bearing a child. Although we still had her I was too focused on the defect instead of the perfect. I would hold her in our special moments and question if others would ever love her the way she is, or if the world would be so cruel as I feared. Thanksgiving last year was a hard one for me to swallow~ though I should have- I felt no joy in the event.

    Day by day as we started her treatment I slowly slipped further into my self hate for what I had done to her~ no one could convince me it wasn't my fault. It's funny how "the Lord's will" can be the last thing you want to hear. But it was. Every time I had to hold her down to put her appliance in and tape her sweet lips together was, in my eyes, a punishment that I deserved. Sure I smiled and nodded in agreement when anyone would try to cheer me up or keep positive but I knew I deserved everything I was getting. I never let Marc do any of the treatment stuff- that wasn't his fault- I hogged all the shame.

When it came time for her surgery...I walked in a daze of fear. Although I was putting her into God's hands- I secretly clung to her, wanting to be in control over everything. As Marc pushed me down the hall to hand off our sweet child I wept for her safety. Once she was safely in the nurse's arms, fast asleep mind you, I collapsed- I literally could not breath without her. I've never felt such physical pain so deep in my heart, I had no idea what to do. As the hours ticked away miserably slow- I crept in to the hall and into my thoughts. "Please Lord, watch over her and let her come out safely" as my family chatted away at everyday things to pass the time- I buried into prayer- it was all I had at this point. ...... When the dr. came out and said everything went well- some weight was lifted and I slowly felt myself breath. The moment I was able to see her was excruciating...she was bloody and swollen, she did not look like my sweet Madalyn Grace. I again felt the floor drop from under me as I told the nurse "this is not my child- what did they do??" Once they placed her into my arms I was whole again- I found myself thinking.."How many parents get to hold their child and fall in love with their face twice!" She was beautiful!

The next few weeks were hard....but not as hard as I had prepared for...I slowly was letting go of my hold on things and giving them up to God. I guess I really was just realizing that He had had everything under control to begin with. The days turned into weeks and they turned into months and she was released from medical supervision healthy and on her way to a full recovery. Her scar will be fully healed in March, but my scar was fully healed long ago.

I had to let go of my selfish thoughts and desired and realize that it's true- The Lord's will is always a better path- not easier but better. And so this year I get to fully enjoy my thanksgiving- Knowing I have last year to make up for. Although we have another surgery early next year- I am ready for whatever the Lord brings my way. I have thrown out my doubts and fear- now I finally get what has been there all along- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Time does NOT heal all wounds

I might as well begin this post by admitting that I am guilty of using the "time heals all wounds" cliche a time or two in my life. My only excuse is that perhaps, for sure, I must not have had any wound that was of a serious nature. Now with this stage of my life, and all the experiences I've had, I can 100% say without any doubt that time in fact does NOT heal all wounds. Before you think I sound awfully Debbie downer let me finish. I was not shocked and in despair to have the epiphany that time isn't capable of such wonderful healing. Perhaps I would have been if that was all I had realized, or if I had realized it because of a long suffering hurt I'd been inflicted with. But neither of those are true. I came to the realization that time isn't the giver of relief or healing because I experienced true, complete, rejoicing in the glory, healing that came from giving my hurt and pain to the Lord.
No, it's not easy, and yes, there are moments of weakness that I rip control from Him and selfishly hold onto it for a while. Then I usually* wise up and gladly give back the reigns and go back to the peace that comes from knowing He has it all under control.

So why am I writing about wounds you may ask?? Well few knew, but yesterday was in fact the 1 yr anniversary from my ectopic pregnancy loss. On one hand I can't believe that its been a year. It felt like time had stopped when I came home from the hospital no longer pregnant, dreams shattered, scars left physically and emotionally. But on the other it was a relief knowing that time continued and I had been able to pick myself up and carry on knowing that God had whispered His love and perfect timing into my soul and I was able to not drown in the tears I felt consumed by last year.

This doesn't mean I don't see babies the age ours should would have been and feel like I've been punched in the gut. Or when I see a pregnant woman I envy them, or in my ugliest moments- don't want to be around them. (what's the point in being personal if I'm not being completely honest too, right?)

I'm not saying yesterday wasn't a painful reminder of somewhere I've been. But it was a chance to note where I'm at and to realize that they are not the same. Can I just say, hello freedom! If I'm going to talk about how far I've come then I can only turn it into how far He's brought me. The truth is I may not have a baby, ok obviously I don't or I wouldn't be writing this, but God did not leave me empty handed. I have been given peace, faith, support, love, desire for His will over mine (even when mine seems* a lot less painful) and the satisfaction that it is ok to want something but not receive it and that my devotion to Him is in no way dependent upon His fulfillment of my wants. I have found a sweet, precious desire to tell my soul to wait, and to know that the wait is already a part of my journey to having another child. In this loss I was given the ability to abide in Him and although I LOVE being a mother, if all I ever have is that- I'm set.

My 2011 Goals

I'm not a big fan of New Years Resolutions. Generally speaking, they seem kinda lame and only fueled by the year change and not a personal change... at least that's what I've experienced. This leaves me with a desire to make some changes for the next year without wanting to "declare my resolutions". I do enjoy reflecting on the previous years experiences and trying to think of areas I can make changes that would help me grow in my walk with the Lord and better me as a person. Some of them are shallow and more like bad habits I need to break. Others are deeper, more fundamental areas I need to improve upon. All this being said- Here are some things I've decided I need to implement into my life (not just because it's a new year but because it's always good to be looking for ways to improve yourself.) These are in no specific order.

1. Spend more time in the Word, make quiet time a priority. Read and apply.

2. Get on a daily schedule. Make good use of the day and take joy in the job God has called me to.

3. Take better care of myself physically, get healthy.

I'm sure there are more to come later. This is a good start for now.

10th times a charm?

After a fantastic Christmas with all our family we moved for the 10th time in our marriage. For those counting- that's 10 times in 6 years, 4 of which were this year alone. Yeah, 2010 has been... interesting. We started looking for somewhere last Saturday and found an ad on craigslist for an apartment complex that I have always liked but we could never afford. Well, they had a big Christmas special going for their 2 bedroom that was too good to be true. We went and saw it Sunday, loved it and started the application process Monday. We signed the lease and set our move in date for Dec 26th. No we didn't move that day, we were in Plano visiting my dad and Linda, but we did start the next day. We are about 85% moved in and about 70% unpacked. It's going good, I'm excited about finally feeling like home in my own space again. It was such a blessing to be able to stay with my mom and step dad so we didn't have to rush into anything, and another blessing that we were able to find this deal and start fresh on our own again. I will post pics once we're all done moving in and decorated. 

Blog, erase, blog, erase, repeat

I have written a paragraph on three different topics now only to swiftly delete each of them after not being pleased with my writing. What's going on with my tonight??? Guess I'm not meant to blog today.

Christmas Newsletter

So I decided to write a newsletter this year after all. I had thought against it because when I started listing the things that have gone on this year I thought it seemed like such a downer.... who wants to read that kind of stuff at christmas, right? Then after a talk I had with my mom about the topic I had a change of heart and perspective. She really helped me see that it's not what our circumstances were but how we made it through them and what we've learned. So I decided to share- openly and vulnerably- because I want to spread the hope and reassurance of God's love that we saw this year. So here goes nothing!

We started the New Year in a very precarious situation, we had found out a few days after Christmas that I was pregnant. The circumstances surrounding it were causing questions of viability and so we entered 2010 with an unstable/uncertain pregnancy. Long story short, I ended up in emergency surgery to remove a cyst and the perfect 6 week embryo it had been blocking inside my fallopian tube. This was a tragedy for us. So much pain, loss and confusion. I'm positive had it not been for the absolute truth that God works all things for my good I would not have made it out of that dark place as quickly as I did, nor would I be as healed as I am this day. I'm thankful for the scars- they remind me that I have felt pain and heartache before and God delivered me from it each time. I don't ever want to forget my ability to feel that deeply or His ability to comfort so completely. In January Marc had a shift change that shook up our routine and challenged us. We did NOT like this shift change and prayed consistently for the Lord to prepare a way out. Our main problem was that it required Marc to work on Sundays and truly did not leave a time for any church service.

In February we lost our poor, recently paid off 2002 Ford Focus. This was a new challenge for us because we had to live on 1 car and are still doing it to this day. Would we like a 2nd car- ABSOLUTELY! but God has shown us what's important and what we can live without if needed.

In March I had started a temporary job as a receptionist for a lawfirm in Fort Worth. We were lucky enough to be able to borrow Marc's father's truck so that we could both have a vehicle to get to and from work. The Lord started speaking to my heart putting a passion into it for staying home and education Maddy. He opened my eyes to all the ridiculous things I was desiring and all the frivolous possessions that I was placing higher than my calling. He gave me focus and drive to become a better budgeter and to speak love into my husband to hold him up as the true provider for our family, and to find that what he could provide was more than enough to sustain us. I left my job and cautiously took the role that I felt called to fulfill. I have enjoyed being home with my family more than any work I've ever done. I find such satisfaction in their happiness. Marc has been amazing at supporting me and encouraging me in all the areas I'm struggling in.

In April we were struck with our 2nd great tragedy of the year. On April 4th, Easter Sunday, Marc's sweet grandma Nel was called home to be with the Lord. We were blessed enough to be able to spend her last few hours at her bedside saying goodbyes and spreading love with everyone. It was very bittersweet as she had been ailing for some time and was at peace with going, but she was the heartbeat of his family. Her funeral was beautiful and attended by many. She was such an amazing woman and loved fiercely. We often recall special memories of her and rejoice in the healing she received. How fitting that she entered heaven on the anniversary that salvation was made possible. God comforts in the most amazing ways. During this month we also decided that we could not continue to live the way we were with the calling God had given me. Something had to give- so we decided to downsize from our rented house and reign in the living expenses.

In May we lived with my sister and her family while trying to figure out where to go next. They were so gracious in giving us plenty of room to live with them, and it opened a new level to me and my sister's relationship. We were very unsure what the next step was but knew that following God's will was all that mattered. Did we struggle? Absolutely. Did we argue with God and question His timing? several times. But we kept finding peace and reassurance that His ways were higher than ours and His timing was not built around our hast and impatience. At the end of the month we found apartments that were looking for a courtesy officer and moved in June 1st.

June and July went by rather uneventfully. We settled into the apartment and I began to prepare to homeschool Maddy starting in August. We survived the sweltering summer months and Marc celebrated his 3rd year as an officer. My Aunt Becky was able to come visit for a week with her littles and we had a great time. In August we started looking for a dance studio to enroll Maddy in. She had been talking alot about dance since her cousin Olivia takes dance classes. After looking into several studios we found one that is christian owned and operated and chose it. They pray with the class before starting, they dance to christian music, require modest outfits and cover ups. She takes ballet, tap and tumbling every Monday for an hour. She LOVES it. Her first recital was Nov 29th and she did great. We are so proud of her dedication to dance and enjoy seeing her learning new things. The best thing that happen in August was finding and joining our new church, Keystone Church. We are so blessed to be a part of this church and have met some incredible people. The messages have been relevant, inspiring and challenging. We look forward to serving our church and speaking out about God's message.

In September we celebrated our 6year wedding anniversary by taking a family vacation to Colorado to visit my family. Since that's where we honeymooned we thought it fitting to return and celebrate as a family now. We had such a good time with everyone and couldn't believe how fast 10 days flew by. I have a post about it that details all the fun stuff we did and photos of where we went. It has been a great year since we've been able to see that side of the family several times. We always love spending time with them.

Then came October, with a notice that our apartments were terminating the courtesy officer position and we had a month to move out. WOW. Here we go again. We were really shocked and confused. We looked into several places to live and were not at peace with any of them. We made the difficult decision to live with my mom for the rest of the year and figure out the next step in January. It was a very hard time and we are still processing everything and looking into future living arrangements. It has been such a humbling time to allow family to bless us by helping out. Marc and I have grown closer and had to once again clear out some clutter in our lives. Its amazing what moving your entire life into a storage unit can make you realize and place value in. We have found that it truly doesn't matter what you own as long as you have your family.

November brought the celebration of Maddy's 4th birthday! We had a great party at Chuck E. Cheese with all our awesome friends and family. Maddy dressed up as the princess she is and had a blast. We had family come into town for Thanksgiving and had a great time visiting with them, and playing ALOT of games and practical jokes on each other. Marc, Maddy and I celebrated Thanksgiving Day with my family in Plano and had a wonderful time with everyone. They did a mini birthday party for Maddy since they weren't able to make her party. It was a nice mellow event and we weren't ready to leave when it came time. I had to get back to start my Black Friday shopping at 9:30 that evening. Now THAT was an event!! 9 hours of shopping and line waiting paid off with over $200 savings and alot of my christmas shopping done. Then a huge nap was required. It is something I can only do once a year but it is awesome, especially cause I did it with my sister and mom and friend Amanda.

December has started and we are planning on focusing this month on spending time with family and friends. We are so thankful for the year we have had and the lessons our sweet Savior has taught us.We have been so amazed at the support we've received and the strength we've found through various trials. 2010 will not be forgotten. We wish you the very best Christmas and pray for God's blessing on your 2011.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! 

4 years into the Journey

It's Maddy's 4th birthday and I'm feeling nostalgic and so overwhelmingly thankful. I thought I'd highlight our 4 years so far... and how much she has grown.

~Psalm 139:13-15~ Maddy was fearfully and wonderfully made. God knew her before she was even a thought in my mind, HE formed her just as HE wanted her to be. *This is our sweet child, no accidents*

~This is our 2nd Maddy Moo

1st Birthday

2nd Birthday

3rd Birthday

and we just celebrated Birthday #4 

It has been a great 4 years with this little princess. I am so thankful for the lessons she has taught me, those she is currently teaching me and all that is yet to come. I am a better person because I am Maddy's mom.

Christmas Preview

Some people already have all their christmas shopping done, presents wrapped, cards signed and stuffed, ready to mail... and then there's people like me. (pause for shoulder shrug with the head side tilt) Oh I have begun my christmas planning.. it looks a little like this..... "Christmas List". That's it. I've gotten so far as to title my page and list the names of people I need to get gifts for... undoubtedly forgetting someone until the last gift is done and the "finished high" is rising up..only to be smacked down with my forgetfulness. Just once I'd like a little help from my Mr.Claus in the planning/executing of the christmas gifting. Oh he will receive alright- but getting his help in planning and shopping- eh not so much. It's not that he doesn't enjoy thinking of others cause he does- he just doesn't enjoy the stress of finding a great gift for them. It's also not that he doesn't enjoy shopping- cause he does (as long as there's something manly in the store for him to drool over) it's that he can't stand the crowds and just gets crabby. So here I am.. our 7th christmas together.... alone,again.                        

But the show must go on so I'm setting a goal to have my list 75% done by this weekend. 100% by Black Friday cause you know I'mabe sitting in the lines starting at like 9pm. It's really only the hard to shop for people that I struggle with. This is why I'm a big believer in wish lists. This will be the first year that we are doing them but it just makes total sense. You know yourself best and you know what you'd love to get that you probably won't buy yourself... why not tell the people who are already planning on getting you something? It's a win win. So if you know I'm buying you something... send me a list. If you think you're buying me something... ask for a list. Let's make this year the best non-returning or regifting year ever!!

oh and yes, in case you were wondering, this post is totally taking the focus off my little baby turning 4 in less than a week. I can't even face it yet.              

Allstate vs. USAA

Ok so I have to say... I L.O.V.E. the allstate "mayhem" commercials. I think they are just stinkin hilarious. They don't make me feel the need to switch to them and spend more $ on my insurance.. but they are good for a great laugh and funny scenarios.

Is it really November already?

Well, we are all moved into storage and my moms house. Our apartment is officially not "ours" anymore. I am finally at a place of contentment over this "no control of the situation" situation I'm in right now. I'm learning to be still and wait upon the Lord for His direction and His timing. I have very recently and quite strongly felt Him whispering "stop rushing me" to me... and I'm so glad I chose to obey and chill out. I've come to enjoy "not knowing what the plan is" and "having NO idea where we will live next." Not that it's fun and enjoyable to feel those things, but the freedom from letting those burden me is very joyful! I am finding satisfaction in God's provision being different than what I would have liked it to be. I'm looking for new opportunities to show His love and His light in our current circumstances. I don't feel embarrassed to tell people that we are living with my mom right now, nor do I feel the need to justify why we are doing it. Truth is, a few weeks ago- I was completely beaten down and feeling forsaken by God... and then suddenly it hit me. Why do I think He's forsaken me just because He isn't giving me my way? How much does that sound like a 3yr old temper tantrum?? That was a H U G E ah-ha moment for me. How can I be professing His perfect timing when I'm stomping my feet at him in protest of his schedule for me? What use is it to tell others that He works all things for my good when I'm secretly arguing/begging him to make my circumstances better. How does that attitude reflect my belief if the word ALL in that statement/scripture? I tell ya- it's been an eye opening few weeks for me. I heard a great piece of truth the other day and it really summed it up for me- it was simply this- God isn't as interested in changing our circumstances as He is in allowing our circumstances to change us. !!! Simple, to the point and yet profound for me. I realized that if I would quit fighting to get out of my circumstances that I could start finding all that I'm supposed to get out of them. Wow- what a great end to those few tumultuous weeks. God truly is good ALL the time! Amen!

Now on to what's going on in November..... and it's ALOT! We have a few birthday parties to attend- 1 to host for my sweet Maddy Moo that's turning 4. We have family coming into town, thanksgiving to celebrate, Christmas shopping/crafting to do, doctor and dentist appointments, Maddy's first dance recital and general enjoyment of the season all to get done in November. Phew- tired yet? While we are finally adjusted to living at my moms I have really been slacking on the homeschooling stuff... and I'm painfully aware that I really need to get back on track. Not that I feel like Maddy's education is being neglected but mostly that I'm missing opportunities to start a good foundation for her routine that we will need once she's in full school gear. I'm committing to starting next Monday- November 8th- to getting back on track. One thing that is going to have to get under control is all my time spent out and about running around. I love play dates and interacting with all my sweet friends but I am bad about using them as excuses to not do work that day. So since I'm fully aware that I have no intention to stop seeing my friends (I'm not losing my sanity!) I need to incorporate lessons into that time. Who says we can't take supplies and do a project with our friends? or go on an educational outing with someone for a play date? So that's the plan. Instead of changing our lives for homeschooling we are going to invite our homeschooling into our lives. Let's hope everyone can play nice :o)

Well that's whats crack-a-lackin in my world. I've got alot to get going on so I better hit it. Hope everyone has a blessed Thankful November and takes a few moments each day to remember what's most important!