If elated would best describe my feelings writing that last post, then..... defeated, would probably sum up my feelings writing this one. As my luck goes, and time has proven this to be true, wouldn't you know it but on Sunday I started spotting. and cramping. I immediately put myself on bed rest, stopping on the way home from church only for another pregnancy test. It was so barely positive that anyone less experienced at reading those things would have thought it was negative for sure. I panicked, I cried, I plead and I prayed. Then I hung around in bed with a dear friend and ate (shared) 2 different types of ice cream sundaes, playing the what if game and trying to find rest in the Lord. I stopped bleeding late that night and finally fell asleep after midnight.
Then I awoke at 4:32 am (yea, it's a time you don't forget..) to find very large amounts of blood and clots signaling, undoubtedly, the start of (another) miscarriage. Que massive amounts of tears. After seeing my doc that Monday and getting blood work results it was confirmed (as if a woman doesn't know her own body right?) to be a miscarriage. So where do I go from there?
Well, I had 2 choices, as you generally do in life, in every circumstance, draw near to God, or push Him away. I've done enough of the latter in my life to know that it is never the wise choice and that inevitably I'm going to come to my senses and crawl back to my Savior. However, knowing the correct choice and skipping along happily to it, are two very different things. Just because I know that the best medicine for a broken heart is the Healer doesn't mean I'm happy to request His services. Yes, I'm admitting it, I'm still broken (SHOCKER!). I spent alot of time reliving the prior 11 days, remembering the emotions and all the joy we felt in telling people. (as my luck would also have it, we had bodly announced the pregnancy to our entire world, a.k.a. facebook, the day before.) So now we had to do this complete about face and turn joy into sadness and heart swell into heartache.... or did we? Here's where "walk by faith" and "count it all joy" can get tricky.
In my miscarriage, God was no less powerful, no less able to complete a good work or off schedule. He still was my Most High, my mighty fortress and the on time God He has always been. I just didn't realize His work, being done through this pregnancy, would be so short. In truth, the 10 days we were able to relish being pregnant were a mighty gift in themself. God did not have to bless us with those precious days. He did not have to plant a small life in my womb and let me experience that love again. God didn't, doesn't, will never, owe me a single thing. He gave me the only gift I ever needed on Calvary. So, with that being remembered, we have taken the lighter path of drawing closer to Him.
I recently posted about my new gift (again from HIM that I did NOT deserve) of being able to abide in Him in the waiting to get pregnant. I am still able to abide in Him, the scenery is just different. I'm no less abiding in Him through a miscarriage as I was in the wait. I am firmly planted at the seat of His throne taking in the healing that only comes from being near the Healer. The very presence of Him in my heart and soul has been quietly calming my fear, doubt, anger and anguish since the moment this sweet pregnancy began to end.
And again, He left me with another gift, He's so amazing to continuously do this, I have the joy in anticipating the next pregnancy He will bless me with, and knowing that He already has that life planned out. I do not question IF I will get pregnant again, I only look forward to WHEN. I'm so thankful to have received such nourishing support from so many sweet people in our lives. God truly sent words through so many friends and family that He knew we would need to hear. This is a process, and we are fully aware that it takes time. Just last night while settling into bed I quietly whispered to my husband, "I just can't believe I'm really not pregnant anymore", and he just sweetly said, "I know, me either". I'm going to struggle at times to want a reason, God knows the reason and that's enough for me, and to wish that things went differently, who wouldn't want a life to still be growing inside of them? But I'm not battling God for my life, it's HIS and HIS alone.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Cause that's how God works...
I can't believe how awesome God's timing is, how perfect and mysterious. I recently wrote about the 1year anniversary from our ectopic pregnancy loss. I can recall the peace I had writing about the waiting being part of the journey and how thankful I am for my new found ability to truly abide in Him. And then less than a week later I find out... I'm pregnant. That's right, you read it correctly.. p.r.e.g.n.a.n.t!!!!!!!!! Not only was I already pregnant while writing that post, I was also already pregnant when I wrote my desire to be, on a card at church and turned it in as my 1 thing I wanted to give to God in 2011. Seriously... HE BLOWS MY MIND! His precious timing is crazy. The way the circumstances encircled this pregnancy can only confirm that God has a plan WAY better than anything we could ever imagine for ourselves. That His timing is for a purpose and that He hears us even when He doesn't answer us immediately. Our ectopic loss last year was all in preparation for this pregnancy today.
Given our loss in the past we are still a little guarded in this pregnancy. I am certainly not holding it at arms length, in fact, just the opposite. I am clinging to the truth that God knows this child's life already and has a plan for it as much as for the rest of us. I believe in His ability to start and complete anything. He is more than able to turn my previous pain into a fantastic fresh start, it's in Him and Him alone that I am placing my faith and trust.
I did go see a new OB yesterday. Due to previous situations I do not care to return to my last OB/GYN so when I began the search for a new one, I decided to just try the one that works with midwives in the area, considering we are seriously looking into using a midwife anyways. (more on that another time) While at the OB I had a sonogram and routine blood work. I go back Monday for repeat blood work just to compare the HCG levels. Since I've had a previous ectopic I am now at a high risk for another ectopic so I get watched closely until its determined I'm not ectopic. Sounds FUN huh? The sono didn't show anything in my uterus except for alot of thickening. I am too early to let that be a bad thing, at this point there's a 50/50 chance to see anything. However, my ovaries looked good and there was no sign of a cyst on either one this time, which is a good sign since that's what blocked my pregnancy last time making it become ectopic. (thank you pcos)
So with that little bit of good news we left and are in a holding pattern until labs come back. Depending on the #'s the doc will set our next appointment and sono. If they are low enough to make not seeing anything ok then all is well, if they were high enough that I should have been showing by now then we will have to consider bad things. I for one, having knowledge of my cycle, ovulation pattern and sex life, believe I am earlier than what my LMP says and that all is well. I have been having definite signs of pregnancy (frequent urination, tender breasts, major heartburn, good center cramping and side twinges, and a few other good signs.) Not to mention the 3 consecutive hpt's that show progressive darker positives over 8 days. Yes I am that person that needs several positive tests.
So after all that info let's get to the exciting, fun pregnancy stuff... baby planning!! Given my LMP my tentative due date is Sept 20-21st. That kinda stinks because it's right in the heat of Texas' worst and means I'll be biggest during our 100+ degree days... but I'll take it. We have, long before positive test, decided that we are going to find out the sex of the baby but not share the name until birth. We know that we (ok mostly me) are just too curious and would fail at not finding out the sex, so what's the point. But I do like having the private name for 9 months and then surprise it's ____ _____ ! Ok so only the first name is going to be a secret- the 2 middle names will be known and obviously the last name. duh. We are already day dreaming about having a newborn in our new apartment (which will accommodate nicely) and remembering the joys of it all. Maddy is absolutely thrilled to be a big sister.. although it took a lot of convincing to get her to understand that it doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl she's a big sister either way. She really didn't wanna be a brother-- TOO CUTE.
We have been thankful to get great support from most of the people in our lives. Those that aren't there yet just don't understand that we have complete faith in God and His plan for our life, even if it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Yes, more money would always pay bills better, but God hasn't stopped providing once. True, if I weighed less I might have an easier pregnancy, but I weigh what I weigh and that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to bear a child. Of course more space to live in would give everyone more room, but only in America do we think we need hundreds of square feet for each person, especially when we almost always end up within arms length from one another. Clearly 2 cars would make things easier on us, but we are blessed with 1 reliable vehicle and a flexible schedule that allows for better planning-- not to say someone isn't welcome to drop off a car at our apartment,lol. These are all valid excuses to not have another baby right now. But they aren't reasons for us and shouldn't keep other people from being excited for us. Who isn't thankful for a new life being born into a God fearing, Christ centered house with 2 parents, married and of opposite sex? *dismounting soapbox.
So this is our news, this is God's story for our life right now, and we are shouting Yes Lord!! Whatever may come- we declare this moment- a joy for this unborn baby.
Given our loss in the past we are still a little guarded in this pregnancy. I am certainly not holding it at arms length, in fact, just the opposite. I am clinging to the truth that God knows this child's life already and has a plan for it as much as for the rest of us. I believe in His ability to start and complete anything. He is more than able to turn my previous pain into a fantastic fresh start, it's in Him and Him alone that I am placing my faith and trust.
I did go see a new OB yesterday. Due to previous situations I do not care to return to my last OB/GYN so when I began the search for a new one, I decided to just try the one that works with midwives in the area, considering we are seriously looking into using a midwife anyways. (more on that another time) While at the OB I had a sonogram and routine blood work. I go back Monday for repeat blood work just to compare the HCG levels. Since I've had a previous ectopic I am now at a high risk for another ectopic so I get watched closely until its determined I'm not ectopic. Sounds FUN huh? The sono didn't show anything in my uterus except for alot of thickening. I am too early to let that be a bad thing, at this point there's a 50/50 chance to see anything. However, my ovaries looked good and there was no sign of a cyst on either one this time, which is a good sign since that's what blocked my pregnancy last time making it become ectopic. (thank you pcos)
So with that little bit of good news we left and are in a holding pattern until labs come back. Depending on the #'s the doc will set our next appointment and sono. If they are low enough to make not seeing anything ok then all is well, if they were high enough that I should have been showing by now then we will have to consider bad things. I for one, having knowledge of my cycle, ovulation pattern and sex life, believe I am earlier than what my LMP says and that all is well. I have been having definite signs of pregnancy (frequent urination, tender breasts, major heartburn, good center cramping and side twinges, and a few other good signs.) Not to mention the 3 consecutive hpt's that show progressive darker positives over 8 days. Yes I am that person that needs several positive tests.
So after all that info let's get to the exciting, fun pregnancy stuff... baby planning!! Given my LMP my tentative due date is Sept 20-21st. That kinda stinks because it's right in the heat of Texas' worst and means I'll be biggest during our 100+ degree days... but I'll take it. We have, long before positive test, decided that we are going to find out the sex of the baby but not share the name until birth. We know that we (ok mostly me) are just too curious and would fail at not finding out the sex, so what's the point. But I do like having the private name for 9 months and then surprise it's ____ _____ ! Ok so only the first name is going to be a secret- the 2 middle names will be known and obviously the last name. duh. We are already day dreaming about having a newborn in our new apartment (which will accommodate nicely) and remembering the joys of it all. Maddy is absolutely thrilled to be a big sister.. although it took a lot of convincing to get her to understand that it doesn't matter if it's a boy or girl she's a big sister either way. She really didn't wanna be a brother-- TOO CUTE.
We have been thankful to get great support from most of the people in our lives. Those that aren't there yet just don't understand that we have complete faith in God and His plan for our life, even if it doesn't make sense to the rest of the world. Yes, more money would always pay bills better, but God hasn't stopped providing once. True, if I weighed less I might have an easier pregnancy, but I weigh what I weigh and that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to bear a child. Of course more space to live in would give everyone more room, but only in America do we think we need hundreds of square feet for each person, especially when we almost always end up within arms length from one another. Clearly 2 cars would make things easier on us, but we are blessed with 1 reliable vehicle and a flexible schedule that allows for better planning-- not to say someone isn't welcome to drop off a car at our apartment,lol. These are all valid excuses to not have another baby right now. But they aren't reasons for us and shouldn't keep other people from being excited for us. Who isn't thankful for a new life being born into a God fearing, Christ centered house with 2 parents, married and of opposite sex? *dismounting soapbox.
So this is our news, this is God's story for our life right now, and we are shouting Yes Lord!! Whatever may come- we declare this moment- a joy for this unborn baby.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
An old blog from my myspace account that I stumbled upon tonight.
Well~ it's official my daughter is now 1 year old and it just doesn't seem possible. We went to our churches first thanksgiving last night and they were passing the mike around for people to give praise or thanks for something. I really wanted to speak because I have so much to be thankful for but I knew I'd get emotional and embarrassed- I'm just not comfortable enough I guess. But that doesn't mean I don't want to give my thanks, so here I go....
This time last year we had been blessed with a beautiful baby girl from the Lord. However, with her came a mighty challenge for all who were to love her. I remember so clearly the confusion that swirled in my head as I held my gift and thought " but God, she isn't complete". I could not see past the obvious flaw to see what a true gift the Lord had given my family~ the chance to reevaluate what's important and to learn true beauty is on the inside. It is almost like being right back in the moment just thinking about it. We felt this huge mountain in front of us and our healthy child was on the other side just waiting for our open arms. While Marc was trying to be my strength and stay positive, I was secretly hating myself for now twice being unsuccessful in bearing a child. Although we still had her I was too focused on the defect instead of the perfect. I would hold her in our special moments and question if others would ever love her the way she is, or if the world would be so cruel as I feared. Thanksgiving last year was a hard one for me to swallow~ though I should have- I felt no joy in the event.
Day by day as we started her treatment I slowly slipped further into my self hate for what I had done to her~ no one could convince me it wasn't my fault. It's funny how "the Lord's will" can be the last thing you want to hear. But it was. Every time I had to hold her down to put her appliance in and tape her sweet lips together was, in my eyes, a punishment that I deserved. Sure I smiled and nodded in agreement when anyone would try to cheer me up or keep positive but I knew I deserved everything I was getting. I never let Marc do any of the treatment stuff- that wasn't his fault- I hogged all the shame.
When it came time for her surgery...I walked in a daze of fear. Although I was putting her into God's hands- I secretly clung to her, wanting to be in control over everything. As Marc pushed me down the hall to hand off our sweet child I wept for her safety. Once she was safely in the nurse's arms, fast asleep mind you, I collapsed- I literally could not breath without her. I've never felt such physical pain so deep in my heart, I had no idea what to do. As the hours ticked away miserably slow- I crept in to the hall and into my thoughts. "Please Lord, watch over her and let her come out safely" as my family chatted away at everyday things to pass the time- I buried into prayer- it was all I had at this point. ...... When the dr. came out and said everything went well- some weight was lifted and I slowly felt myself breath. The moment I was able to see her was excruciating...she was bloody and swollen, she did not look like my sweet Madalyn Grace. I again felt the floor drop from under me as I told the nurse "this is not my child- what did they do??" Once they placed her into my arms I was whole again- I found myself thinking.."How many parents get to hold their child and fall in love with their face twice!" She was beautiful!
The next few weeks were hard....but not as hard as I had prepared for...I slowly was letting go of my hold on things and giving them up to God. I guess I really was just realizing that He had had everything under control to begin with. The days turned into weeks and they turned into months and she was released from medical supervision healthy and on her way to a full recovery. Her scar will be fully healed in March, but my scar was fully healed long ago.
I had to let go of my selfish thoughts and desired and realize that it's true- The Lord's will is always a better path- not easier but better. And so this year I get to fully enjoy my thanksgiving- Knowing I have last year to make up for. Although we have another surgery early next year- I am ready for whatever the Lord brings my way. I have thrown out my doubts and fear- now I finally get what has been there all along- I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Time does NOT heal all wounds
I might as well begin this post by admitting that I am guilty of using the "time heals all wounds" cliche a time or two in my life. My only excuse is that perhaps, for sure, I must not have had any wound that was of a serious nature. Now with this stage of my life, and all the experiences I've had, I can 100% say without any doubt that time in fact does NOT heal all wounds. Before you think I sound awfully Debbie downer let me finish. I was not shocked and in despair to have the epiphany that time isn't capable of such wonderful healing. Perhaps I would have been if that was all I had realized, or if I had realized it because of a long suffering hurt I'd been inflicted with. But neither of those are true. I came to the realization that time isn't the giver of relief or healing because I experienced true, complete, rejoicing in the glory, healing that came from giving my hurt and pain to the Lord.
No, it's not easy, and yes, there are moments of weakness that I rip control from Him and selfishly hold onto it for a while. Then I usually* wise up and gladly give back the reigns and go back to the peace that comes from knowing He has it all under control.
So why am I writing about wounds you may ask?? Well few knew, but yesterday was in fact the 1 yr anniversary from my ectopic pregnancy loss. On one hand I can't believe that its been a year. It felt like time had stopped when I came home from the hospital no longer pregnant, dreams shattered, scars left physically and emotionally. But on the other it was a relief knowing that time continued and I had been able to pick myself up and carry on knowing that God had whispered His love and perfect timing into my soul and I was able to not drown in the tears I felt consumed by last year.
This doesn't mean I don't see babies the age oursshould would have been and feel like I've been punched in the gut. Or when I see a pregnant woman I envy them, or in my ugliest moments- don't want to be around them. (what's the point in being personal if I'm not being completely honest too, right?)
I'm not saying yesterday wasn't a painful reminder of somewhere I've been. But it was a chance to note where I'm at and to realize that they are not the same. Can I just say, hello freedom! If I'm going to talk about how far I've come then I can only turn it into how far He's brought me. The truth is I may not have a baby, ok obviously I don't or I wouldn't be writing this, but God did not leave me empty handed. I have been given peace, faith, support, love, desire for His will over mine (even when mine seems* a lot less painful) and the satisfaction that it is ok to want something but not receive it and that my devotion to Him is in no way dependent upon His fulfillment of my wants. I have found a sweet, precious desire to tell my soul to wait, and to know that the wait is already a part of my journey to having another child. In this loss I was given the ability to abide in Him and although I LOVE being a mother, if all I ever have is that- I'm set.
No, it's not easy, and yes, there are moments of weakness that I rip control from Him and selfishly hold onto it for a while. Then I usually* wise up and gladly give back the reigns and go back to the peace that comes from knowing He has it all under control.
So why am I writing about wounds you may ask?? Well few knew, but yesterday was in fact the 1 yr anniversary from my ectopic pregnancy loss. On one hand I can't believe that its been a year. It felt like time had stopped when I came home from the hospital no longer pregnant, dreams shattered, scars left physically and emotionally. But on the other it was a relief knowing that time continued and I had been able to pick myself up and carry on knowing that God had whispered His love and perfect timing into my soul and I was able to not drown in the tears I felt consumed by last year.
This doesn't mean I don't see babies the age ours
I'm not saying yesterday wasn't a painful reminder of somewhere I've been. But it was a chance to note where I'm at and to realize that they are not the same. Can I just say, hello freedom! If I'm going to talk about how far I've come then I can only turn it into how far He's brought me. The truth is I may not have a baby, ok obviously I don't or I wouldn't be writing this, but God did not leave me empty handed. I have been given peace, faith, support, love, desire for His will over mine (even when mine seems* a lot less painful) and the satisfaction that it is ok to want something but not receive it and that my devotion to Him is in no way dependent upon His fulfillment of my wants. I have found a sweet, precious desire to tell my soul to wait, and to know that the wait is already a part of my journey to having another child. In this loss I was given the ability to abide in Him and although I LOVE being a mother, if all I ever have is that- I'm set.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My 2011 Goals
I'm not a big fan of New Years Resolutions. Generally speaking, they seem kinda lame and only fueled by the year change and not a personal change... at least that's what I've experienced. This leaves me with a desire to make some changes for the next year without wanting to "declare my resolutions". I do enjoy reflecting on the previous years experiences and trying to think of areas I can make changes that would help me grow in my walk with the Lord and better me as a person. Some of them are shallow and more like bad habits I need to break. Others are deeper, more fundamental areas I need to improve upon. All this being said- Here are some things I've decided I need to implement into my life (not just because it's a new year but because it's always good to be looking for ways to improve yourself.) These are in no specific order.
1. Spend more time in the Word, make quiet time a priority. Read and apply.
2. Get on a daily schedule. Make good use of the day and take joy in the job God has called me to.
3. Take better care of myself physically, get healthy.
I'm sure there are more to come later. This is a good start for now.
1. Spend more time in the Word, make quiet time a priority. Read and apply.
2. Get on a daily schedule. Make good use of the day and take joy in the job God has called me to.
3. Take better care of myself physically, get healthy.
I'm sure there are more to come later. This is a good start for now.
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